In The Courage to Be Disliked, living in the moment is a central theme that encourages individuals to focus on the present rather than being preoccupied with the past or anxious about the future. The book, drawing on Adlerian psychology, suggests that embracing the present moment leads to a more fulfilling and authentic life. 

This is part 5 on our review on The Courage to be Disliked.

1. Part 1: Happiness is a choice
2. Part 2: Separation of task
3. Part 3: All problems are interpersonal problems
4. Part 4: Role of trauma

The Illusion of the Past and Future

The past and future are not real, they exist only in the mind. The past is gone, and the future has not yet arrived. Therefore, the only reality is the present moment. By worrying excessively about past experiences or future uncertainties, we are distracted from what we can do here and now. Living in the moment means fully engaging with what is happening right now, as it is the only time in which life unfolds.

Letting Go of the Past

The book challenges the idea that the past dictates one’s present behavior. It suggests that we often hold onto past grievances, failures, or traumas as a way of justifying current behaviors or avoiding changes. For example, someone might say, “I can’t be happy because of what happened to me,” which prevents them from taking action in the present. Instead, living in the moment involves letting go of these narratives and recognizing that what matters is how you choose to act today.

Not Being Driven by Future Goals or Expectations

While setting goals is essential for growth, the book emphasizes that people should not be so fixated on future outcomes that they forget to appreciate the journey. Constantly striving for future success can lead to dissatisfaction if one becomes overly focused on the end result rather than the process. Living in the moment means finding joy and meaning in the present activities, regardless of the anticipated outcome.

The Concept of “Life Tasks” and Engaging Fully

Adlerian psychology, as presented in the book, talks about “life tasks” – things that require your attention and effort. When you are engaged in a task, giving it your full attention without distractions from past regrets or future worries allows you to perform better and feel more satisfied. Being present in the moment fosters a sense of flow, where time seems to disappear because you are fully immersed in the activity.

20 life tasks that require your time and efforts

1. Building a Career
2. Maintaining Health and Fitness
3. Developing Personal Relationships
4. Managing Finances
5. Learning New Skills
6. Caring for Family
7. Setting and Achieving Goals
8. Building Self-Discipline
9. Growing Spiritually
10. Improving Communication Skills
11. Nurturing Hobbies and Passions
12. Household Chores and Maintenance
13. Volunteering or Giving Back
14. Planning and Organizing Life Events
15. Managing Stress and Mental Health
16. Networking and Socializing
17. Time Management
18. Saving and Investing
19. Traveling and Expanding Horizons
20. Developing Emotional Intelligence

Reducing Anxiety by Focusing on What Can Be Controlled

Living in the moment also involves focusing on what is within your control. Anxiety often arises from worrying about things that are beyond one’s control, such as others’ opinions or future events. By directing attention to present actions and decisions, individuals can manage their lives more effectively. The book encourages focusing on what you can do right now to improve your situation, which leads to a greater sense of empowerment.

Cultivating Gratitude and Mindfulness

A part of living in the moment is practicing gratitude for the present. By appreciating what you have right now, you shift your focus from what is lacking or what you fear may happen. The book’s approach aligns with mindfulness practices, which involve paying attention to the present moment with a non-judgmental attitude. This mindset helps reduce stress and enhances well-being by allowing individuals to fully experience life as it happens.

Interpersonal Relationships and Being Present

In the context of relationships, living in the moment means genuinely listening to and engaging with others. Often, people are distracted by their own thoughts, past experiences, or future concerns during interactions, which prevents them from truly connecting. The book suggests that by being fully present in conversations and relationships, individuals can foster deeper, more meaningful connections.

Releasing the Need for Approval

Living in the moment also involves letting go of the need for approval or fear of disapproval. When individuals are preoccupied with how others might judge them, they are not fully engaged in the present. The book encourages people to be true to themselves and act according to their values without being overly concerned about external validation, allowing them to live more freely and authentically.

Embracing the “Here and Now” Mindset

The “here and now” mindset involves making decisions based on what is currently happening, rather than what has happened in the past or what might happen in the future. This approach helps individuals adapt to changing circumstances and make the most of their present opportunities. It encourages a proactive attitude where one responds to the immediate environment rather than being stuck in habitual patterns of thinking.

Practical Application

Set aside time each day for mindfulness practices, consciously letting go of thoughts about the past or future, and focusing on the current task at hand.

It’s about training the mind to stay grounded in the present and finding contentment in everyday activities.

Life is a Series of “Dances”

The authors use the metaphor of life as a dance, where the joy comes not from reaching a destination but from the dance itself. This means embracing every moment as an opportunity to live fully, rather than always looking ahead or looking back. By seeing life as an ongoing, ever-unfolding process, one can find happiness in the here and now, no matter the circumstances.

So you see, living in the moment as described in The Courage to Be Disliked involves fully engaging with the present, letting go of past narratives and future anxieties, and finding meaning in everyday experiences. This approach fosters a sense of freedom, reduces stress, and allows for a more authentic and fulfilling life.

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In The Courage to Be Disliked, the role of trauma is addressed in a way that challenges traditional views on its impact. The book, grounded in Adlerian psychology, argues that trauma does not dictate one’s present or future actions. Instead, it suggests that individuals often use past experiences as an excuse for their current behavior, which means that their actions are shaped by the goals they set rather than the traumas they have faced. 

This post is part 4 of our review of the book the Courage to be disliked

1. Part 1: Happiness is a choice
2. Part2: Separation of task
3. Part 3: All problems are interpersonal problems

Trauma as a Choice of Interpretation

The book challenges the widely accepted notion that traumatic experiences inevitably determine one’s present feelings, behaviors, or life trajectory.

Instead of viewing trauma as something that unavoidably shapes one’s destiny, it argues that people interpret and respond to their past experiences based on the goals they have set for themselves. For example, someone who feels unworthy due to past rejection may actually be choosing to interpret the event in a way that justifies avoiding future relationships.

How to Interpret Trauma

Interpreting trauma involves understanding the emotional, physical, and psychological impact of a traumatic event on an individual. Key steps include recognizing trauma responses (such as hypervigilance, flashbacks, or avoidance), identifying any changes in behavior or emotional regulation, and being aware of the influence trauma can have on relationships and personal beliefs.

Trauma interpretation often involves a therapeutic approach, where professionals guide individuals to explore their trauma, validate their experiences, and develop coping strategies to process and integrate their experiences in a healthier way.

Teleology vs. Causality

Adlerian psychology emphasizes “teleology” (goal-oriented behavior) over “causality” (being driven by past events). According to this view, people act in accordance with the outcomes they seek rather than being pushed by past traumas.

The book uses this concept to explain that individuals often adopt certain behaviors to achieve specific results, like gaining attention, avoiding responsibility, or eliciting sympathy. Therefore, trauma is not seen as the root cause but as a chosen narrative used to achieve a certain purpose.

Using Trauma as an Excuse

The book suggests that people often use their traumatic experiences as excuses to avoid making changes or facing fears. By attributing current problems to past trauma, they can rationalize behaviors that may be unproductive or self-defeating. For instance, someone may avoid forming close relationships because they were hurt in the past, but the choice to remain distant is based on the goal of protecting themselves from future pain, rather than being a direct result of the past hurt itself.

Overcoming the “Trauma” Mindset

The authors argue that the “trauma mindset” can trap people in a cycle of victimhood, where they feel powerless to change their circumstances. By reframing the past and focusing on the present goals, individuals can break free from the constraints of their trauma narratives. This approach emphasizes that while you cannot change the past, you can control how you choose to perceive and respond to it in the present.

Instead of dwelling on past traumas, the book encourages individuals to focus on what they can do now to live the life they want. It suggests that people have the power to change their behavior and attitudes by setting new goals, regardless of what happened in the past.

This mindset shift empowers individuals to take control of their lives by recognizing that their current behavior is not a direct result of past trauma, but a choice influenced by present goals.

How to Overcome the Trauma Mindset

• Acknowledge the Experience
• Practice Resilience
• Develop Self-Discipline
• Find Purpose in Pain
• Set Personal Goals

Acknowledging the Reality of Pain Without Letting It Define You

While the book does not dismiss the reality of pain or traumatic experiences, it argues against letting them define one’s identity or dictate future actions. It acknowledges that trauma can have a significant impact, but it also maintains that people are not bound by it. The choice to continue suffering or to move forward is up to the individual, who can decide to use the experience for growth rather than as an obstacle.

The Role of Courage in Moving Beyond Trauma

The book emphasizes the need for courage to move beyond the trauma narrative. It suggests that confronting the fear associated with letting go of past experiences and embracing the unknown future is a necessary step. This courage to be happy requires rejecting the comfort of familiar patterns (even if they are painful) and taking responsibility for one’s life in the present.

Practical Application

In practical terms, the approach encourages setting small, achievable goals that help individuals gradually overcome the limitations imposed by their past. For example, if someone experienced failure in the past and now avoids challenges, they could start by taking on manageable tasks that build confidence and gradually increase their sense of accomplishment.

Critics

While The Courage to Be Disliked presents a provocative stance on trauma, it is important to consider its limitations. Some critics argue that the book may oversimplify the complexities of trauma, especially in cases of severe psychological harm. While it aims to empower people to take charge of their lives, some individuals may benefit from therapeutic interventions that acknowledge the deep impact of trauma while still encouraging goal-oriented behavior.

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In The Courage to Be Disliked, interpersonal relationships are considered the root of most life problems, and the book offers insights from Adlerian psychology on how to navigate these relationships in a healthy way. The book challenges us to think outside the norm and emphasizes that how we interact with others significantly impacts our sense of well-being. 

This post is part 3 of our review on Courage to Be Disliked

1. Part 1: happiness is a choice
2. Part 2: separation of task

All Problems Are Interpersonal Problems

The book posits that at the core of most issues in life are interpersonal relationships. Whether it’s feelings of inferiority, anxiety, or even the pursuit of success, these often arise from comparing ourselves to others or being overly concerned about how others perceive us. Thus, understanding and improving the dynamics of our relationships can help resolve many personal struggles.

How to not compare yourself to others

1. Practice gratitude
2. Limit social media use
3. Recognize your unique strengths
4. Set personal goals
5. Celebrate small wins
6. Remember that everyone’s journey is different
7. Surround yourself with positive influences
8. Practice self-compassion

Shifting from Competition to Cooperation

A key idea in Adlerian psychology is moving away from competitive relationships, where individuals measure their worth against others, to cooperative relationships, where the focus is on mutual growth and support. When people view relationships as a competition for status, validation, or success, they experience feelings of inferiority or superiority.

Instead, fostering a sense of community and working towards shared goals can create more fulfilling interactions.

How to foster cooperative relationships

1. Foster open communication
2. Establish mutual goals
3. Encourage active listening
4. Recognize and value each other’s strengths
5. Practice empathy and understanding
6. Share resources and information freely
7. Provide constructive feedback
8. Celebrate joint successes
9. Promote trust and reliability
10. Avoid comparisons and competition

The Pursuit of Acceptance vs. Approval

The book differentiates between seeking acceptance and seeking approval. Acceptance is about recognizing your inherent worth as a person, regardless of achievements or others’ opinions. Approval, on the other hand, involves constantly seeking validation from others, which can lead to anxiety and dependence. 

In relationships, aiming for acceptance allows individuals to be authentic and connect on a deeper level, without the pressure to conform or please.

The need for recognition from others is seen as a hindrance to forming authentic connections. The book argues that when people constantly seek approval or try to impress others, they lose sight of their own values and true desires. Genuine relationships are built when individuals are true to themselves, without the fear of being disliked or misunderstood.

How to stop seeking approval 

1. Build self-awareness
2. Set personal boundaries
3. Practice self-validation
4. Focus on your values and goals
5. Limit comparison to others
6. Develop self-confidence
7. Embrace imperfections
8. Surround yourself with supportive people
9. Reflect on your accomplishments
10. Accept that not everyone will approve of you

The Role of Tasks in Relationships

Interpersonal issues often arise when people try to control or interfere in tasks that belong to others (as discussed in the separation of tasks). In relationships, this could mean trying to change someone else’s behavior, emotions, or decisions. The book suggests that understanding where your influence ends and another person’s begins is crucial. Respecting others’ autonomy and focusing on your own actions instead helps reduce unnecessary conflicts and fosters healthier boundaries.

How to mind your business

1. Focus on your own goals and tasks.
2. Avoid unnecessary gossip or speculation.
3. Respect others’ privacy and boundaries.
4. Practice active listening without offering unsolicited advice.
5. Stay out of situations that don’t directly involve you.
6. Cultivate self-awareness.
7. Don’t compare your life to others’.
8. Take responsibility for your own actions.
9. Limit distractions from others’ problems.
10. Build emotional independence.

 “Horizontal” Relationships vs. “Vertical” Relationships

The book introduces the idea of “horizontal” relationships, where people see each other as equals, as opposed to “vertical” relationships, where one person is seen as superior or inferior. In a horizontal relationship, there is mutual respect and understanding, which leads to more genuine and harmonious interactions. 

Vertical relationships, in contrast, often result in power struggles, feelings of inferiority, or attempts to dominate, which can undermine trust and connection.

Examples of horizontal relationships

1. Friendships: Two people who share mutual respect and support without one having authority over the other.
2. Colleagues/Peers: Co-workers at the same level in an organization who collaborate and work together.
3. Business Partners: Co-owners of a business who share responsibilities and decision-making equally.
4. Marriage or Romantic Partnerships: A couple who treats each other as equals, with shared responsibilities in the relationship.
5. Team Members: Members of a sports or work team collaborating to achieve a common goal.
6. Community Members: Individuals participating equally in community or social groups without leadership roles.

Encouragement Over Praise or Rebuke

In terms of nurturing positive relationships, the book advocates for encouragement rather than praise or criticism. Praise can create dependency on external validation, while rebuke may damage self-esteem. 

Encouragement focuses on acknowledging effort and potential, which empowers people to take responsibility for their actions and develop self-confidence. This approach fosters growth and strengthens relationships by promoting a supportive atmosphere.

Overcoming Fear of Rejection

Adlerian psychology encourages people to confront the fear of rejection by understanding that not everyone will like or approve of them—and that’s okay. This acceptance reduces the anxiety tied to interpersonal relationships. It’s about having the courage to be disliked if it means staying true to oneself, rather than compromising one’s values for the sake of fitting in.

How to overcome rejection

1. Focus on your strengths
2. Practice self-compassion
3. Detach from external validation
4. Set personal boundaries
5. Surround yourself with positive influences
6. Practice mindfulness
7. Reflect on your values
8. Celebrate small wins
9. Accept that not everyone will like you
10. Develop emotional independence

Community Feeling and Contribution  

The concept of “community feeling” or “social interest” is central to Adler’s ideas on relationships. It involves cultivating a sense of belonging and contributing to the well-being of others. The book suggests that focusing on how you can be of service or add value to the lives of those around you strengthens relationships and brings a deeper sense of fulfillment.

How to contribute to the community

1. Volunteer your time
2. Support local businesses
3. Organize community events
4. Share your skills and knowledge
5. Participate in community clean-ups
6. Mentor or tutor others
7. Advocate for local causes
8. Promote sustainability
9. Offer donations to local charities
10. Engage in community discussions and forums

The Courage to Be Disliked emphasizes the importance of navigating interpersonal relationships with self-awareness, authenticity, and respect for boundaries. By shifting from competition to cooperation, seeking acceptance instead of approval, and letting go of the need for constant validation, individuals can cultivate healthier and more meaningful connections.

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Madame Ann: Welcome to MABS Book Reviews. I’m Jametta, AKA Madame Ann. Please introduce yourself.

Amarachi: Hello! Thank you for having me here. My name is Amarachi Ike, but you can call me Amara or Amie, whichever is your preference. I’m a Nigerian writer, reader, final-year medical student, and digital content creator living in Enugu, Nigeria.

Madame Ann: Wow, that’s amazing. So please tell me what type of books you like reading and what inspired you to start reading and writing.

Amarachi: Thank you for the questions. I enjoy reading dystopian books. That’s at the top of my list in terms of genres. Sign me up for anything end-of-the-world: war, destruction, famine, and hunger! (laughs) I adore the works of Bradbury, Atwood, Ishiguro, and Lovecraft. They are all white and either old or dead, but their fiction speaks to me. I also love good old literary fiction, especially the variety written by the continent’s writers. I’m not trying to brag or anything, but at the moment, we have the best storytellers worldwide.

Madame Ann: I agree with you

Amarachi: To the question of inspiration, I was inspired to start reading from a very young age. Way before I had an idea about it, my father invested in books and built a library for my siblings and me to read. We had encyclopedias, picture books, story books, and lots of Enid Blyton and Lady Bug tales, too–those were recommended reading from school. My father did this to ensure that we were reading at every stage in life. He loved reading, and he loved learning as well. He was always reading his medical textbooks and papers for hours on end. That’s the one thing he did the most in life. So, I guess I was inspired to read because of him. The inspiration to write came years later when I found myself craving a means of self-expression. But it didn’t mainly start that way.

Madame Ann: How do you mean?

Amarachi: Well, it was my first year in junior secondary school, and a friend had bought a forty-leaf notebook and filled it up with a story. I can’t remember the story, but I remember the seniors going wild for it. That particular friend gained a lot of “reps” for writing the book (reps meaning good reputation). Seniors fought tooth and nail to get a turn at reading my friend’s book. So, I thought… this seems like an exciting way to gain the friendship of seniors. And that meant A LOT back then. It offered a junior some level of immunity from bullying, which was a severe problem at that school. I did just that. I was eventually pulled out of the school because of bullying. No shocker there. (laughs). Perhaps my storytelling skills then weren’t as good as they are now. But the fire to write would ignite once again—this time from a genuine interest in wanting to tell our stories.

Madame Ann: Haha, that a funny story. Would love to hear more of it. How do you balance being a writer with medical school?

Amarachi: Well, being a writer and a medical student is difficult. If I could go back in time and do it all over again… I probably wouldn’t do it. It’s like being at the center of a tug of war, being pulled by both your creative side and the side that’s super serious. On some days, the writer in me is sitting at the clinic. On other days, the clinician in me sits in front of the page. I only balance it out by loving and feeding into both halves of myself. Often, the measure is unequal, and more times than not, the clinician wins. I try as much as possible now to not forsake that side of myself.

Madame Ann: Mmmm, that’s deep. Tell us more about your writing style and what you’ve been working on lately.

Amarachi: My writing style… I’m not sure if I’ve figured out my writing style yet. I think my writing is still very much evolving. But if I were to sell you my writing, I’d say it’s usually a slow burn. My narratives are never rushed. My characters are genuine. And I always intend for my reader to leave a story of mine, thinking or considering something about their life and maybe even the world at large, differently.

Lately, I’ve been working on a book—my very first one at that! It’s a collection of short stories that I hope to be done with before the end of the year or early 2025. I’m also doing small things here and there that, God willing, will find homes in certain magazines of my choosing.

Madame Ann: I love that you said God willing. At the end of the day all we can do is rely on God’s will and grace. Please tell us, what inspired you to write your book? What was your inspiration?

Amarachi: I’ve wanted to write a book… probably since I saw what writing a book did for my friend’s reps in junior secondary (😂). But seriously, I started writing the book in January of this year, just as an idea I was leaning into. But with my father’s passing this June, I felt more and more of a need to write this book and share it with the world. Initially, I believed I had to earn the right to write a book. Have some literary credibility or the validation of certain circles. But then you realize that nothing is promised in this life, not even the life itself, the very thing that allows you to pursue all these ambitions. All of it can be taken away. As I march forward in my career, it’s clear that this window between finishing medical school and residency is probably the best time to throw myself back into writing. So, I’m writing a book. Little by little, I’m writing a book.

Madame Ann: So sorry to hear about your Dad. may God rest his soul. Tell me more. Give us more detail about your book.

Amarachi: Well, like I said, the book is still a work in progress. There are a lot of moving parts at the moment. But it’s an interesting collection of my stories. The stories bleed into each other. They have similarities and differences. They are longer than what I’m used to, so I’m really pushing myself with this one for my readers. A common theme in the stories is family. I explore family throughout this collection—all kinds of family within the African context—so I’m sure it’s something everyone will enjoy and relate to.

Madame Ann: Super excited to see the finish product, I will definitely love to read your book. Ah just remembered I shared one of our templates with you the other day, I was trying to determine what type of doctor you aspire to be. I was so shocked to see we chose different things, haha. So apart from writing, what is your dream specialty, and why? 

Amarachi: I don’t have a dream specialty, but I always say you won’t find me dead in Internal Medicine. I’m more open-minded about internal medicine because I factor in the work-life balance I desire. Surgery is where the fun is, and that’s really where I want to be. But I’d have to give up everything to become a surgeon. I’m waiting for the intern year (housemanship) to decide on what specialty I’ll settle with. Observing the lives of the residents and consultants in and out of the hospital will significantly influence that final decision. For now, I am keeping an open mind.

Madame Ann: Hahaha, that is so interesting. How do you plan to merge your writing skills with your profession as a doctor?

Amarachi: I have no intention of giving up on either ambition. I will keep walking into my future, holding on to both. Let life drag one out of me.

Madame Ann: Okayyyy girl. What is your secret strategy for writing? Tell us what makes you a better writer and what sets you apart from others.

Amarachi: There is no secret strategy to writing. If I had a good one, I would’ve won the Caine Prize or Commonwealth by now (laughs). My only wisdom for any writer is to write what is true. Honest writing resonates with people. It touches people. And it’s the writing that changes lives. The kind that inspires. I would charge my fellow writers to write honestly, just as I am doing. Even for something as seemingly silly as fiction (which some argue is the antithesis of truth). Be true to your characters and their motivations. Be true to your story. Tell the truth through your story. There is a world waiting to welcome it.

Madame Ann: Mmm, do you think this writing business is profitable for you?

Amarachi:  I think it is. This has never been business for me. This truly is a whole part of my life.

Madame Ann: Wow, honestly it was great having you here and I learnt so much from you in this quick session. I can’t wait to read your book. You guys can find Amarachi on all major social media platforms at @amaranextdoor

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